112: The Umbrella Hour with Dr. An Goldbauer & Zander Keig LCSW and guest Sharon Ellison112: The Umbrella Hour with Dr. An Goldbauer & Zander Keig LCSW and guest Sharon Ellison
UK Health Radio Podcast
Dr. An Goldbauer and Zander Keig talk with Sharon Ellison about Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, linking power struggle to addiction and sharing real-life stories of how small shifts in tone and timing can defuse conflict. The conversation focuses on reciprocity, the ‘magic sixth second’, and practical ways to reduce defensiveness in families, workplaces and wider society.
45:03•22 Jun 2026
Taking the War Out of Our Words with Powerful Non-Defensive Communication
Episode Overview
- Everyday communication often carries hidden power struggles, especially through questions, feedback, opinions and predicted consequences.
- Defensiveness can shift brain chemistry in ways similar to addiction, making power struggle feel compulsive and self-perpetuating.
- Changing tone—using a gentle downtone instead of an accusatory upswing—can quickly lower defensiveness and open up genuine dialogue.
- A brief pause, the ‘magic sixth second’, can allow the brain’s problem-solving capacity to return before fight or flight takes over.
- Children and adults alike can use PNDC to stop bullying, harassment and escalation by asking clear, non-defensive questions and setting limits without aggression.
“I believe that power struggle was actually the most pervasive and least recognized addiction on earth.”
What drives someone to seek a life without constant conflict? This episode of The Umbrella Hour brings together Dr. An Goldbauer, licensed clinical social worker Zander Keig, and guest Sharon Ellison for a fresh look at how everyday communication can feel like a battlefield—and how it doesn’t have to.
Sharon, author of *Taking the War Out of Our Words* and creator of the Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC) process, talks through how common phrases and tones trigger defensiveness in ways most people don’t even notice. Early on she recalls reading that “question” was defined as “doubt, mistrust, interrogation, and torture during a trial,” and how she never once saw “curiosity” used as a definition.
From there, she breaks down four key forms of speech—questions, opinions, feedback, and consequences—and how each is often loaded with hidden power struggles. You’ll hear Sharon explain why she sees power struggle as an addiction, saying, “I believe that power struggle was actually the most pervasive and least recognized addiction on earth,” and how defensiveness can shift brain chemistry in ways similar to alcohol or drug dependence.
For anyone in recovery, or supporting someone who is, that parallel hits close to home. There’s plenty of practical storytelling too: a ten-year-old girl who stops a school bully with a single PNDC question, a woman’s daughter who freezes workplace harassment in its tracks, and Sharon’s famous “magic sixth second” – that extra pause that lets the thinking part of the brain come back online before fight or flight takes over.
The tone stays warm, curious and gently humorous, with Zander and Dr. An testing phrases live on air and Sharon catching the tiny word and tone shifts that make all the difference. If you’ve ever found yourself snapping, shutting down, or stuck in arguments that feel as compulsive as any other addiction, this conversation might have you asking: what would happen if you took the war out of your words too?
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