235 - The Obligation Myth: What You Owe the Parent Who Hurt You w/ Lisa Stinson235 - The Obligation Myth: What You Owe the Parent Who Hurt You w/ Lisa Stinson
Adult Child
Andrea Ashley talks with psychologist and trauma specialist Lisa D. Stinson about what adult children may or may not feel they owe abusive or narcissistic parents as they age. They discuss family roles, guilt, boundaries and grief, highlighting how each person can decide what they can truly live with.
1:05:55•17 Jun 2026
What You Owe the Parent Who Hurt You: The Obligation Myth
Episode Overview
- What you owe a difficult or abusive parent is an individual decision based on your history, values and current wellbeing, not on social expectations.
- Childhood roles like scapegoat, invisible child and golden child often reappear around elder care, heavily influencing how each sibling responds.
- Guilt, anger, hope and the wounded child inside can hijack decisions; noticing these parts helps your authentic self set safer boundaries.
- No contact, low contact or practical-only support are all valid options, and your choice can change over time as your healing and circumstances shift.
- Grieving the loving parent you never had is a key part of healing, and protecting your peace does not make you selfish or ungrateful.
“No one is entitled to the peace of mind you fought so hard to build, not even the people who raised you.”
What drives someone to seek a life without the chaos of a dysfunctional family, even as their parents grow old and frail? This conversation on Adult Child zeroes in on one of the most guilt-soaked questions adult children face: *what do I actually owe the parent who hurt me?* Host Andrea Ashley sits down with clinical psychologist and trauma specialist Lisa D.
Stinson, Ph.D., author of **“The Obligation Myth: Rethinking What You Owe Your Difficult Aging Parent.”** Drawing on her own history as the family scapegoat to a narcissistic mother and enabling father, Lisa talks frankly about abuse that becomes your "abnormal normal" and that unsettling moment when you realise, as she puts it, that what others find horrific felt like "a random Tuesday" to you.
You'll hear them unpack classic family roles – scapegoat, golden child, invisible child, enabling parent – and how those roles roar back to life when a toxic parent needs care. They look at siblings piling on, inheritance games, and the pressure from extended family, community and even professionals who insist you "should" step up. Lisa offers a different lens: instead of asking what you’re obligated to give, ask what you can live with now and after your parent is gone.
That might mean full caregiving, limited practical help, or no contact at all. Andrea brings in her own messy, honest experience of going low and no contact with alcoholic parents, looping through anger, compassion, and grief – especially that grief of finally accepting you’ll never get the parent you needed. The episode finishes with a strong focus on self-compassion, acknowledging the parts of you that feel guilty, furious, hopeful or terrified, while letting your authentic self make the final call.
If you’ve ever wondered, "Am I selfish for protecting my peace?" this conversation might be the permission slip you’ve been waiting for. So, what choice could you make today that future-you will genuinely feel at peace with?
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