BPD Splitting: Why Someone Can Go From Loving You to Hating YouBPD Splitting: Why Someone Can Go From Loving You to Hating You
A Little Help For Our Friends
Dr Kibby McMahon explains what people call "splitting" in borderline personality disorder, linking it to childhood experiences, intense emotions and black-or-white thinking. She shares therapy approaches and practical strategies for loved ones to stay grounded, validate feelings and set boundaries when that sudden shift from love to hate occurs.
56:18•30 Sept 2026
Why “Splitting” Makes Love Feel All Good or All Bad
Episode Overview
- Splitting is described as an all-good or all-bad way of seeing oneself and others, often triggered by intense emotions.
- Childhood dependence, trauma and shame can make it feel too threatening to accept both good and bad parts of a person or relationship.
- Dialectical behaviour therapy focuses on calming emotions and using "and" statements to hold two seemingly opposite truths at once.
- Transference-focused therapy keeps the therapist neutral so patients can notice and eventually integrate their victim and abuser modes.
- Loved ones are advised to stay consistent, validate feelings, set clear safety-focused boundaries and avoid reinforcing explosive behaviour.
“Try to stay consistent, right? And be consistent across the ups and downs. I love you. I'm here for you.”
Curious about how others navigate their sobriety journey? This episode of "A Little Help For Our Friends" zeroes in on a different, but often overlapping struggle: loving someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and facing the emotional whiplash of "splitting". Dr Kibby McMahon breaks down what people mean when they say someone with BPD can switch from seeing you as a soulmate to seeing you as a monster.
She explains that this "all good" or "all bad" way of viewing people happens when positive and negative parts of a relationship can't be held together in one picture. Instead of grey areas, it becomes pure black-or-white: "I'm amazing and lovable or I'm worthless and everyone hates me.
You are my saviour or the worst." Drawing on her experience as a DBT therapist, Dr McMahon shares a painful story of losing a long-term patient after a single misunderstood comment, showing just how suddenly that switch can happen and how devastating it is for both sides. She also talks about how childhood dependence, trauma, shame and fear of abandonment can all feed into this pattern of thinking.
You’ll hear clear explanations of approaches like dialectical behaviour therapy and transference-focused therapy, with concrete examples of how therapists work with "all good/all bad" thinking. But this episode really shines in its practical guidance for loved ones: stay consistent, set boundaries around hurtful behaviour, focus on emotions rather than arguing the facts, and "picture yourself as an anchor in a storm" rather than getting pulled into the same extremes.
If you care about someone with intense emotions and find yourself wondering, "Was anything real? Am I actually the villain here?", this conversation offers language, context and tools to help you stay grounded and protect your own wellbeing. What might change for you if you started responding as the anchor instead of the enemy?
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