Why Young Men Feel Lost: Looksmaxxing, Dating & the Self-Improvement TrapWhy Young Men Feel Lost: Looksmaxxing, Dating & the Self-Improvement Trap
A Little Help For Our Friends
Dr Kibby McMahon and Connor talk about looksmaxxing, dating apps and the frustration many young men feel as old life expectations clash with modern realities. They link online appearance culture and the self-improvement trap to deeper issues of loneliness, anger and the struggle to build genuine relationships.
1:40:14•7 Oct 2026
Why Young Men Feel Lost: Looksmaxxing, Dating Apps and the Self-Improvement Trap
Episode Overview
- Looksmaxxing starts with sensible grooming and fitness but can slide into extreme, unsafe practices with very little real benefit.
- Social media and dating apps compress people into looks and quick impressions, stripping away the slow-building trust that comes from real-world proximity.
- Many young men feel betrayed by an outdated life script and respond with avoidance behaviours such as gaming, weed and online fantasies of success.
- Quick-fix self-improvement content offers dopamine and hope but rarely replaces the hard, gradual work of building a stable life and relationships.
- Reliability, kindness and the ability to show up in times of stress are framed as far more important partner qualities than pure income or appearance.
“Life is hard and things are hard; we’re very lonely, but social media is selling quick solutions. The truth is you’re going to have to keep going for years until you get there.”
Curious about how others navigate their sobriety journey? This conversation between psychologist Dr Kibby McMahon and returning guest Connor zooms in on a different kind of crisis: why so many young men feel stuck, lonely and furious at a life that doesn’t match the promises they were given. You’ll hear them break down the online phenomenon of "looksmaxxing"—from basic grooming and fitness to extreme, risky trends like "bone smashing"—and what it reflects about deeper fears around dating, status and self-worth.
Connor explains how social media algorithms reward the most extreme, contrarian content, turning appearance into an addictive optimisation game rather than a healthy form of self-care. Dr McMahon brings in stories from mums and partners of young men who are angry, unemployed, glued to video games and weed, and lashing out at the very people trying to support them.
Together they link this behaviour to broken expectations: the old script of "go to uni, get a job, meet someone, buy a house" simply doesn’t fit today’s realities of AI, soaring costs and precarious work. They also dig into dating apps, loneliness and the loss of everyday proximity—those ordinary chances to meet people in person and slowly grow attraction and trust.
Connor openly shares his own frustrations with modern dating and the "self-improvement trap", where watching motivational videos feels like progress but changes nothing. This episode doesn’t offer miracle fixes in 60 seconds. Instead, it gently points towards more realistic goals: building reliability, kindness, and genuine connection, and accepting that growth takes time, effort and quite a few awkward dates.
If you care about a young man who seems lost, or you’re that young man yourself, could this be a starting point for a more honest conversation?
Do you want to link to this podcast?
Get the buttons here!
More From This Show
The latest episodes from the same podcast.