How to Set Boundaries With Someone Who Fears AbandonmentHow to Set Boundaries With Someone Who Fears Abandonment
A Little Help For Our Friends
Dr Kibby McMahon talks about relationships with loved ones who fear abandonment and react intensely to boundaries, especially in families and romantic partnerships. She outlines how to build more secure connection through consistency, validation, and firm yet caring limits.
37:01•11 Nov 2026
Loving Someone Who Fears Abandonment Without Losing Yourself
Episode Overview
- Extreme anxious attachment can trap both people in a cycle where any boundary feels like abandonment and sparks crisis-level reactions.
- Repeatedly reassuring in response to threats or outbursts teaches your loved one that extreme behaviour is the way to get their needs met.
- Healthy relationships involve a balance of closeness and space, with predictability and consistency being more helpful than unlimited access.
- Validate the emotions, offer realistic and scheduled reassurance, but hold firm boundaries in a calm, confident manner.
- Support your loved one to build other coping tools and sources of support so you are not their only emotional lifeline.
“Distance is part of a healthy relationship, right? Like you are teaching them that there can be distance that you might not be available, and you still are there for them.”
How do people find hope in the darkest times? This episode of *A Little Help For Our Friends* focuses on a very specific kind of relational struggle: loving someone who panics or explodes whenever you set a boundary or take time for yourself. Dr Kibby McMahon talks directly to people who feel trapped in 24/7 availability to a partner or adult child with extreme attachment insecurity or traits of borderline personality disorder.
You’ll hear her lay out the painful cycle many families know too well: you set a limit, your loved one feels abandoned, their emotions surge into "survival mode" and they may rage, threaten self-harm, or accuse you of not caring. Out of love and guilt, you rush in, drop your own needs, and unintentionally teach them that only extreme behaviour gets reassurance.
Kibby breaks down what a healthier dynamic can look like: "Distance is part of a healthy relationship" and predictability and consistency matter more than unlimited access. She explains how secure attachment involves both closeness and freedom, and why disappointment, frustration and temporary distance are normal parts of a strong bond, not signs that the relationship is failing.
You’ll get concrete, everyday strategies: validating your loved one’s feelings without giving in to harmful demands, offering planned check-ins or small "transitional" reminders of your care, and holding firm boundaries in a calm, confident way instead of backing down under pressure. She emphasises supporting their ability to self-soothe and widen their "toolbox" of support, so you are no longer their only emotional lifeline.
The tone is warm, honest and non-judgemental, especially towards parents who feel guilty or responsible for an adult child’s ongoing distress. If you’ve ever wondered whether it’s possible to care deeply for someone who fears abandonment without losing yourself in the process, this episode offers practical ideas and a lot of relief. What boundary might you need to reclaim to protect both your relationship and your own wellbeing?
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