CLASSICS REVISITED: Giving Your Loved One Trust and AgencyCLASSICS REVISITED: Giving Your Loved One Trust and Agency
Coming Up for Air — Families Speak to Families about Addiction
Laurie Mcdougal and Kayla Solomon talk about trusting a loved one’s ability to cope, focusing on changing family reactions rather than fixing the person using substances. They stress small, gradual shifts in thinking, boundaries and behaviour to support genuine long-term change.
28:40•18 Sept 2026
Trust, Boundaries and Letting Your Loved One Take the Reins
Episode Overview
- Start with one change in yourself, especially your thought process, rather than trying to change your loved one first.
- Stepping back and giving your loved one space to act teaches competence; constantly stepping in teaches dependence.
- Holding boundaries often increases your own anxiety, but quick fixes usually only relieve your feelings in the short term.
- Both substance use and rescuing behaviours can be attempts to escape difficult emotions rather than address them.
- Aim for slow, steady shifts—"erosion, not a tsunami"—by noticing small changes in both your behaviour and your loved one’s responses.
“"If I don't let my loved one try and try and try and try again, how do I know that they're incapable?"”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety? This conversation between hosts Laurie Mcdougal and Kayla Solomon turns that question back on families, asking what it really means to trust a loved one who uses substances. Instead of racing to "fix" the person in crisis, Laurie and Kayla talk about starting with one change in yourself.
As Laurie puts it, if you constantly step in, "what I'm doing is I'm training my loved one to go ahead and be incompetent because I'll go ahead and I'll step in and I'll take care of it for you." You’ll hear a powerful story about Laurie refusing to buy her son a skateboard even after he said, "If I don't get a new skateboard, I'm going to relapse." She shares the stomach-churning fear of holding that boundary, knowing he might use anyway, and how much of her old behaviour was actually about easing her own anxiety, not just "saving" him.
They unpack the idea that many families quietly decide their loved one is incapable, especially when there are other diagnoses like depression, bipolar disorder or anxiety in the mix. Kayla links all this to the CRAFT approach and cognitive behavioural tools, stressing that "all change starts with how you think." They compare short-term quick fixes to long-term shifts—"erosion, not a tsunami"—and remind families that their loved one’s drug use and their own rescuing are both attempts to escape painful feelings.
This episode is aimed at anyone who feels stuck in crisis mode with a loved one’s addiction and wants practical, realistic ways to step back without abandoning them. Expect honest talk, gentle humour and plenty of validation for how brutally hard it is to "sit in your own distress" while still saying, "I trust that you'll do what you need to do." It’s a thoughtful listen for anyone wondering if giving more agency might actually be the most loving move.
What small step back could you try next?
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