CLASSICS REVISITED: How to Ask Effective QuestionsCLASSICS REVISITED: How to Ask Effective Questions
Coming Up for Air — Families Speak to Families about Addiction
Laurie McDougal and Kayla Solomon talk about how families can ask open-ended questions that create space instead of pressure for a loved one with addiction. They contrast agenda-driven questioning with genuine curiosity and highlight the value of silence, self-care, and process-focused communication.
23:36•11 Sept 2026
How to Ask Questions That Truly Support Your Loved One
Episode Overview
- Shift from outcome-driven questions to process-focused ones that invite your loved one to think and reflect.
- Use open-ended questions that require description of thoughts and feelings rather than yes/no answers.
- Allow quiet space after asking a question, trusting that silence often means your loved one is processing.
- Notice when your own agenda is shaping the questions and refocus on genuine curiosity about their experience.
- Work on your own self-care so you can stay calm, hold a safe space, and avoid shutting your loved one down.
“"Brilliance is not the skill that we need in this situation. What we need is openness."”
What can we learn from those who have battled addiction? This classic conversation from *Coming Up for Air* zeros in on one deceptively simple skill: how to ask questions that actually help, rather than control, a loved one. Host Laurie McDougal teams up with Kayla Solomon to unpack what it really means to "leave your agenda out of it" in family conversations.
As Laurie puts it, she aims to "really listen" and stay "very curious" instead of planning her response or pushing what she thinks should happen. Kayla adds that families may be “brilliant” with ideas, but, in her words, "brilliance is not the skill that we need in this situation. What we need is openness." You’ll hear them break down the difference between outcome-driven questions ("Do you have a therapist?
Are you going to treatment?") and process-focused ones like "What was this experience like for you?" or "What do you think you need?" These open-ended questions give a loved one room to think, rather than feel interrogated. Kayla stresses the importance of silence after a good question—resisting the urge to jump in when someone pauses. That quiet moment often means they’re actually thinking, not ignoring.
The episode also tackles a common fear: the belief that a loved one using substances "can’t think for themselves". Laurie shares how uncomfortable it can be to listen to shifting stories without taking over, yet how essential it is to keep listening instead of forcing a plan. There’s plenty here for families who feel stuck between wanting to help and accidentally taking the wheel.
If you’ve ever found yourself asking questions with a hidden agenda, this conversation might prompt you to ask: are you trying to steer the bus, or give your loved one the space to drive it themselves?
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