Ep 227: The Skill Nobody Ever Taught You: Disappointing PeopleEp 227: The Skill Nobody Ever Taught You: Disappointing People
The Emotional Abuse Recovery Podcast
Allison K. Dagney talks about why disappointing people can be a healthy skill, especially for women recovering from emotional abuse and chronic people‑pleasing. She shares personal examples and practical reflections on boundaries, alignment and reclaiming authority over your own life.
25:02•28 Jul 2026
The Courage to Disappoint: Reclaiming Your Life After Emotional Abuse
Episode Overview
- Disappointing others often means refusing to play a role they have written for you, rather than doing something wrong.
- Trying to avoid disappointment can lead to decades of self‑abandonment and living out of alignment with your true needs.
- Other people’s expectations are stories and beliefs, shaped by "shoulds", not objective truth or your obligation.
- Saying no and holding boundaries helps reclaim authority over your own life and gives space for your real desires to surface.
- Allowing honest disappointment can filter out relationships based on control while strengthening those rooted in respect.
“One uncomfortable conversation versus 20 years of abandoning yourself—these are very different prices to pay.”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety from self-abandonment and emotional abuse? This conversation with Allison K. Dagney zooms in on one surprisingly brave skill: being willing to disappoint other people. Allison speaks directly to those who’ve spent years people‑pleasing, over‑explaining and tiptoeing around others’ emotions.
She shares a personal story about a long‑term friendship and business relationship where she slowly realised she’d been cast into a role: “a supportive friend, an agreeable business partner, and a person who would prioritise other people's expectations before my own needs.” When she finally made a different choice that matched her values, the other person was angry and the relationship ended—yet Allison recognised she hadn’t ruined anything; she’d simply stopped playing a part that never truly fit.
Drawing on a conversation with her friend Heather Hutzel, Allison reframes disappointment as “un‑appointing” someone from a job they were never meant to have—the authority over your choices, happiness, or future. She explains that other people often carry stories about who you should be, how available you should stay, and how much access they should have. When you stop acting inside their story, they call it disappointment.
For anyone coming out of emotional abuse or toxic relationships, Allison highlights how hard it can be to know what you actually want, and how easy it is to lean on others’ opinions. Instead of giving advice, she talks about helping women reclaim inner authority, notice the word “should”, and see how avoiding disappointment can lead to decades of living out of alignment.
You’ll hear how saying no, holding boundaries and accepting that others might feel disappointed can filter relationships, create space for your true voice, and teach your nervous system that you’re finally on your own side. It’s a gentle, honest invitation to ask: are you ready to disappoint the right people so you can stop abandoning yourself?
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