Patterns Leading up to Affairs in Committed Relationships Identified by New StudyPatterns Leading up to Affairs in Committed Relationships Identified by New Study
Health and Healing Dealing with Trauma and Addictions
Michael (Mike) Dean talks through research on infidelity, showing how relationship well-being often declines before affairs and how recovery can be difficult. He links these patterns with attachment theory and emotional factors behind cheating, while firmly stating that infidelity is unacceptable.
13:52•8 May 2026
Why Affairs Happen: Patterns, Pain, and Attachment Styles
Episode Overview
- Long-term research suggests relationship satisfaction and intimacy often decline gradually before an affair, with conflict increasing for both partners.
- People who have cheated once were reported as being three times more likely to cheat in later relationships than those who stayed faithful.
- Cheaters reported lower self-esteem, lower relationship satisfaction, and lower intimacy after infidelity, while victims mainly reported lower self-esteem and more conflict.
- Attachment styles are explained as coping strategies shaped by perceived availability of caregivers or partners, not as good or bad personality labels.
- Reasons for cheating are complex and emotionally driven, including unmet needs, disconnection, seeking validation, boredom, and fear of vulnerability, but cheating is still described as unacceptable.
“Affairs, cheating, infidelity, and committed relationships is unacceptable. Yes, we as human beings and our behaviors are complex.”
What drives someone to seek a life without betrayal in their closest relationship? This instalment of *Health and Healing Dealing with Trauma and Addictions* takes on infidelity, relationship breakdown, and attachment with a mix of research, honesty, and straight-talking faith-informed reflection. Michael (Mike) Dean walks through a major study from *Psychological Science* that tracked nearly a thousand adults over eight years.
You’ll hear how “almost all relationships’ well-being indicators gradually declined leading up to the affair, with more conflict and less satisfaction being reported by both parties,” and how, sadly, “the vast majority of the relationships did not recover” afterwards. Mike breaks down the headline-grabbing idea of “once a cheater, always a cheater,” citing research showing people who cheated in one relationship were three times more likely to cheat again.
But he keeps stressing human complexity: cheating is never okay, yet reasons can include feeling numb or neglected, seeking validation, struggling with impulse control, or reenacting old wounds. From there, he moves into attachment theory, clearing up myths about “good” and “bad” attachment styles. Instead, attachment patterns are presented as coping strategies when people feel others are unavailable or inconsistent.
“There aren’t good and bad attachment types,” he explains, pushing back against shame and labels while still holding a firm moral line on infidelity. Mike also touches on research linking song lyrics, attachment, and infidelity trends, and contrasts why men and women report cheating, noting it’s heavily emotionally driven for both. If you’re trying to make sense of cheating—your own, someone else’s, or fears about future relationships—this conversation offers research, compassion, and challenge in equal measure.
It leaves you asking: what patterns are silently shaping your relationships right now, and what might need healing before they break?
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