Relapse & Shame: Starting Over or Starting Again? w/Michael M 🏳️🌈 A Queer Recovery Podcast 🎙️Relapse & Shame: Starting Over or Starting Again? w/Michael M 🏳️🌈 A Queer Recovery Podcast 🎙️
At The CCC
A queer recovery conversation centres on relapse, shame and the struggle to come back, mixing humour with honest talk about counting days, chips and starting again. The hosts and guests share their own experiences of slipping, returning and redefining what recovery looks like for themselves.
30:06•18 May 2026
Relapse, Shame and Coming Back Again: Queer Recovery at The CCC
Episode Overview
- Relapse often feels soaked in shame and guilt, and raising your hand to admit it can be one of the hardest acts of honesty.
- Counting days and collecting chips can help some people, but others find relief by focusing on one day at a time without public milestones.
- Working the steps as daily practice with a sponsor, rather than just rushing through them as homework, can change recovery in a deeper way.
- Relapse frequently begins in thinking and behaviour long before picking up a drink or drug, so noticing old patterns is crucial.
- Supporting others after relapse can simply mean loving them and letting them have their own experience, rather than trying to control their choices.
“Ownership and standing in truth and raising your hand is probably the heaviest thing to raise in the air.”
What drives someone to seek a life without alcohol after slipping back into old habits? This candid chat at The Castro Country Club looks straight at relapse, shame and the messy process of coming back yet again. Hosted by Jordan and Louis Lou, with guest Michael M and contributor Brandon, the conversation is aimed squarely at queer folks in recovery who are tired of perfection talk and want something real.
You’ll hear humour, drag-queen-level shade and plenty of laughter, but they never dodge the hard stuff. As Michael puts it, “Ownership and standing in truth and raising your hand is probably the heaviest thing to raise in the air.” They talk openly about multiple relapses, the dread of raising your hand in meetings, and that sinking feeling of starting at day zero.
Jordan shares why he stopped announcing relapses publicly to avoid extra shame, while Michael explains how this time he’s treating the steps less like homework and more like something to live: practising them daily, working closely with a sponsor and feeling genuinely different. The trio also unpack counting days, chips, people‑pleasing, and the pressure of being judged in gay AA rooms.
There’s a strong thread about doing recovery for yourself rather than for applause, and about seeing relapse as behaviour and thinking patterns that start long before picking up a drink or drug. They joke, they tease, but they keep circling back to the same message: keep coming back, even if it’s "her again".
If you’ve ever felt too ashamed to return after a slip, or cringed at your own behaviour in early recovery, this conversation might feel uncomfortably familiar in all the right ways. What would it be like to raise your hand for you, not for anyone else?
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