SHITSHOW SATURDAY #222 – What You Hide HardestSHITSHOW SATURDAY #222 – What You Hide Hardest
Adult Child
The episode focuses on four deeply hidden emotional states—defectiveness, powerlessness, uncertainty and wrongness—and how they show up for adult children of dysfunction. Andrea Ashley and community members share personal stories and somatic-focused tools aimed at making it safer to be fully seen, both in recovery and relationships.
33:57•12 Sept 2026
What You Hide Hardest: Defectiveness, Powerlessness and Finding Safety in Being Seen
Episode Overview
- Four core states many adult children hide—defectiveness, powerlessness, uncertainty and wrongness—shape how they react in relationships.
- Childhood dysfunction teaches that being seen in these states is dangerous, so adults learn to defend, over-explain, go quiet or stay busy instead of feeling.
- Somatic work and nervous system awareness can help shift healing from purely intellectual understanding into felt safety in the body.
- Honest sharing in community allows shame, anger and fear to be witnessed without collapse, slowly loosening the grip of old patterns.
- A useful question shared repeatedly is: "Is holding on to this helping me right now?" especially around feeling wronged.
“It's not the belief that you have flaws. It's the belief that you are the flaw and that if someone got close enough for long enough, they'd find it and leave.”
Curious about how others navigate their sobriety journey and all the messy feelings that come with it? This SHITSHOW SATURDAY episode centres on what people would "rather die than let someone else see"—four emotional states many adult children of dysfunction spend their lives hiding: defectiveness, powerlessness, uncertainty and wrongness. Andrea Ashley frames these as core fears shaped in chaotic homes, where feelings weren’t just uncomfortable, they were dangerous because being seen in them could be used against you.
The reading breaks each state down with sharp clarity—"It's not the belief that you have flaws. It's the belief that you are the flaw"—and then the community jumps in with raw, honest shares. You’ll hear people talk about dating while sober, the terror of feedback, clinging to "receipts" of being wronged, and the lifelong habit of scanning every room for signs of danger.
One person describes anxiety as constant future-planning to avoid feeling powerless; another talks about being legally blind in one eye and growing up with "What’s wrong with your eye?" on repeat, then later using addiction as proof of being fundamentally broken. Several share how therapy, 12-step rooms, and trusted mentors have slowly made it safer to let someone actually see their shame, anger, and fear without running.
Andrea also introduces her 7-week somatic course, Safe Within, aimed at people whose healing has been "in your head and not in your body". The focus is befriending the nervous system, noticing the overthinking and baseline fear, and practising what it’s like to be fully yourself in community. If you’ve ever thought, "If someone really knew me, they’d leave," this episode may feel uncomfortably familiar—and strangely relieving.
What would change for you if one person could watch those hidden states surface and simply stay?
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