To Write a Book about Family, Mary H. K. Choi Had to First Look at Her OwnTo Write a Book about Family, Mary H. K. Choi Had to First Look at Her Own
Really Good Shares
A.J. Daulerio and Mary H. K. Choi talk about dead dads, ghost dads, 12‑step recovery, autism and writing her novel Pool House, mixing sharp humour with raw honesty about grief and emotional sobriety. The conversation centres on how community, self‑reflection and creative work intersect in their ongoing recovery journeys.
56:26•24 Jun 2026
Ghost Dads, 12‑Step Genius and Writing Through Autism with Mary H. K. Choi
Episode Overview
- Imagining a gentler "ghost dad" can help with grief and give space for self‑compassion and reparenting.
- 12‑step programmes offer free, ongoing support and a rotating cast of "guidance counsellors" through sponsors and fellows.
- Emotional sobriety often means doing the uncomfortable thing – like step work or calling someone – especially when you least feel like it.
- A late autism diagnosis can radically change how you view past family conflicts and realise some pain may not have been personal.
- A strong, honest community can carry you through book tours, recovery work and big life changes, even when "nobody asked for" your projects.
“The thing that blows my fucking mind, I love 12‑step. So much. One, it's free therapy… you can have a guidance counsellor for the rest of your life.”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety? This episode of Really Good Shares follows host A.J. Daulerio and returning guest Mary H. K. Choi as they bounce between grief, recovery, and the messy art of telling your own story. They jokingly call it their "dead dad club" catch‑up, but the conversation is anything but shallow. A.J.
talks about his father’s dementia, ALS, and the surreal plan to road‑trip his dad’s ashes from Florida to Pennsylvania for a belated burial. Mary riffs on "ghost dad" as a kinder, posthumous version of her father, and how she’s effectively reparenting herself through that imagined relationship. Recovery threads through everything. A.J. and Mary laugh at how TV gets meetings wrong ("first of all, that's a drunkologue… that's like nine minutes"), then get serious about 12‑step life.
Mary says, "The thing that blows my fucking mind, I love 12‑step. So much. One, it's free therapy… you can have a guidance counsellor for the rest of your life," while A.J. talks about emotional sobriety, calling fellows, and how doing the thing he doesn’t want to do – like step work when he’s grumpy – consistently shifts his mood.
Mary also shares how a late autism diagnosis reshaped her sense of self and her family history, especially her relationship with her mum. Writing her new book *Pool House* meant questioning whether she should be "writing about the human experience" at all, and then deciding to push through anyway, even if that means being "difficult" in a culture obsessed with palatable content.
The tone stays funny and intimate – from night googling "Mary Lou Henner tits" to trading nerdy writing war stories and praising editor Mark Lotto – but underneath the jokes is a clear message: recovery can expand far beyond alcohol or drugs into grief, identity, creativity and how you see your past. If you’ve ever felt haunted by old versions of yourself or your parents, this conversation might make you feel a little less alone.
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