When Helping Becomes Overstepping: Are You Helping or Holding Them Back?When Helping Becomes Overstepping: Are You Helping or Holding Them Back?
Encouragementology
Kendell Boysen reflects on the fine line between genuinely supporting loved ones and unintentionally holding them back through overhelping. She offers practical questions and mindset shifts to help people give space for others to grow while still showing care.
30:00•11 Sept 2026
When Helping Starts to Hold Them Back
Episode Overview
- Differentiate between supporting someone and rescuing them by asking whether your help leaves them stronger or more dependent.
- Recognise that repeated overhelping can block important lessons that come from experiencing consequences and solving problems personally.
- Use questions such as "What would be helpful right now?" to clarify whether someone wants listening, ideas, or practical assistance.
- Aim to help with the next step rather than taking over the entire situation, keeping responsibility with the person facing the problem.
- Learn to sit with the discomfort of not rescuing, acknowledging that loving someone can mean trusting their ability to handle hard things.
“Sometimes love reaches out. Sometimes love stands beside. And sometimes love trusts enough to step back.”
How do people find hope in the darkest times? This episode of Encouragementology zeroes in on a very specific kind of struggle: the moment when caring for someone slips into quietly holding them back. Professional life and recovery coach Kendell Boysen talks through that familiar urge to swoop in and fix everything for the people you love.
You’ll hear her contrast genuine support with rescue, using a simple but powerful distinction: support says, “I’m here while you figure this out,” while rescue says, “I’ll figure this out so you don’t have to.” That difference becomes crucial when helping turns into a pattern of solving the same problems over and over. Kendell brings in the concept of self-efficacy, explaining how people build confidence through “mastery experiences” — actually doing hard things themselves, even imperfectly.
If those experiences are constantly intercepted, relief might come, but the lesson doesn’t. As she puts it, “We can become so focused on making someone’s path easier that we accidentally remove opportunities for them to discover their own strength.” She also touches on relationship dynamics like over-functioning and under-functioning, where one person increasingly manages everything while the other steps back.
Rather than labelling anyone as controlling or irresponsible, Kendell gently asks listeners to consider the emotional side of being “the helper” and how needing to be needed can quietly shape behaviour. Practical ideas run through the episode: pause before jumping in, ask what kind of help is actually wanted, aim to support the next step instead of taking over the whole journey, and learn to tolerate the discomfort of not rescuing.
The heart of the message is summed up in one standout line: “Sometimes love reaches out. Sometimes love stands beside. And sometimes love trusts enough to step back.” If you’ve ever wondered whether your helping hand is truly lifting someone up or keeping them dependent, this conversation offers a thoughtful space to reflect and reassess how you show up for the people you care about.
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