Why Do I Keep Going Back to What Hurt Me? Breaking the Patterns That Feel Like HomeWhy Do I Keep Going Back to What Hurt Me? Breaking the Patterns That Feel Like Home
Encouragementology
Kendell Boysen reflects on why people return to relationships, habits, and reactions that hurt, especially when they feel strangely familiar. She shares practical tools for softening rigid identities, catching old patterns in real time, and giving yourself permission to be a work in progress.
30:00•15 Aug 2026
Why We Return to Pain: Familiar Patterns and Fresh Choices
Episode Overview
- Familiar pain can feel safer than new, healthier choices because you already know the script and outcome.
- Language like "I'm just this way" quietly turns repeated experiences into a rigid identity that feels hard to change.
- Adding phrases such as "right now" or "in the past" to self-statements keeps struggle from becoming a lifelong label.
- Self-awareness starts with noticing declaration statements and pausing at the familiar "turn" to create room for a different response.
- Seeing yourself as "under construction" allows gradual change without needing to have everything figured out immediately.
“My past can explain something about me without getting the final word on me.”
How do people cope with the challenges of staying sober and changing long‑standing habits? This episode of *Encouragementology* tackles that exact tension: knowing something hurts yet still reaching for it because it feels like home. Professional life and recovery coach Kendell Boysen talks through those maddening moments where you catch yourself thinking, *"Wait a minute. I know this place. I've been here before.
I thought I was done with this."* She looks at why familiar pain can feel safer than unknown change, especially for anyone working on recovery, boundaries, or self-worth. Instead of blaming, Kendell gently reframes the idea of a “comfort zone” as a “familiarity zone” – a place that might be full of anxiety, conflict, or self-sabotage, but where you at least know the script.
She connects this to identity, showing how phrases like *"I'm just an anxious person"* or *"I always mess things up"* turn repeated experiences into fixed definitions of who you are. You’ll hear about ideas such as predictive processing and self-verification theory, but in simple, everyday language that makes sense if you're just trying to get through the week without falling back into the same old patterns.
Kendell offers practical tools: catching “declaration statements,” adding simple words like “right now” or “in the past” to soften permanent labels, and practising a tiny pause before reacting. One of the most powerful lines is, *"My past can explain something about me without getting the final word on me."* That sentiment runs through the whole episode as she invites you to see yourself as “under construction” rather than broken or finished.
If you’re stuck in cycles of hurt—whether in relationships, substances, or self-talk—and wondering why you keep going back, this episode gives you language, permission, and small, doable steps to try something different. What familiar pattern might you be ready to question, even just once?
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