373. Returning without Shame - Relapse, The Stages of Change Mini Series373. Returning without Shame - Relapse, The Stages of Change Mini Series
How I quit alcohol
Danni Carr breaks down relapse as a human, recurring part of the change process, focusing on shame, triggers and what can be learned from slipping. The conversation offers compassion and practical questions for both people in recovery and those supporting them.
23:05•21 May 2026
Returning Without Shame: Rethinking Relapse in the Change Cycle
Episode Overview
- Relapse is described as a normal, cyclical part of change and does not cancel out previous progress.
- Shame around returning to alcohol is said to keep people stuck, whereas curiosity and compassion help turn relapse into a learning experience.
- Warning signs often appear long before drinking starts again, such as isolation, stress, exhaustion and dropping supportive routines.
- Questions like "What happened?" and journaling about beliefs, emotions and triggers are suggested to understand what a relapse is revealing.
- Supporters are encouraged to avoid shaming, stay connected and help the person access extra support, while also protecting their own energy and boundaries.
“"Relapse is not proof that change is impossible. It doesn’t erase any of the work you’ve done."”
Curious about how others navigate their sobriety journey? This conversation with host Danni Carr zooms in on one of the hardest parts of change: relapse, or as she calls it, "recycling" through the stages of change. Instead of treating relapse as proof that someone is broken, Danni frames it as one of the most human parts of behaviour change.
She states clearly, "Relapse is not proof that change is impossible," and repeats that it doesn’t erase any progress: those sober days, weeks or months still count. Shame, she says, is the real trap: "You've got no idea how much shame will keep you stuck... it's like being in quicksand." You’ll hear her break down how relapse often starts long before the first drink: isolation, stress, exhaustion, dropping routines, ignoring emotional needs and romanticising old behaviours are all red flags.
Rather than asking "What’s wrong with me?", she suggests asking, "What happened?" and using journaling to unpack the stories, beliefs and emotions that were present before returning to old patterns. Danni also speaks to those supporting someone who’s slipped. The message is simple: don’t shame, don’t pretend it’s fine either, but encourage connection and extra support.
She shares wisdom from Gabor Maté about people "soothing themselves the only way that they know how" and reflects on past guests like Rikki Hawkins, whose many returns eventually led to long-term sobriety. The tone stays honest, warm and sometimes gently funny, but never fluffy. This is for anyone who’s had a "fuck it" moment on a Thursday and then written off the whole week, anyone scared they’re "back to square one", and anyone loving someone in that space.
If relapse has made you feel like you’re failing, could it actually be the place where you start learning to return without shame?
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