Ep362 – Ask Lara

Ep362 – Ask Lara

Curious about how others manage the emotional fallout of addiction in their relationships? This quarterly "Ask Lara" instalment brings therapist Lara Hammock back with her sketchpad and sharp clinical eye to look at what really keeps couples stuck – and what gives them a fighting chance.

Across the conversation with hosts Matt and Sheri Salis, you'll hear Lara spell out why "the worst trait in a partner is the unwillingness or inability to change." She breaks change down into three ingredients: personal strength, readiness for change, and a stable enough environment. Couples counselling, she explains, only works when both people are at least a little bit willing to look at their own part, not just point fingers.

For anyone living with alcoholism or emotional chaos, the section on detachment hits hard. Lara distinguishes "hot anger" – the shouting, pleading and chasing – from "cold anger", that chilling shift where a partner pulls back, stops investing, and redirects energy to themselves and the kids. Sheri shares how stepping away from constant conflict left her thinking, "This is very unattractive.

Why do I want to be here with him?" and how their children felt she was "on our side again" when her focus moved back to them. Matt opens up about his own "addiction to chaos" and productivity, admitting he's great in a crisis but deeply uneasy in calm.

Lara challenges him on self-care, pushing the idea that behaviour has to change first and feelings follow, and offers simple body-based calming tools like walking and breath work to help anxious brains settle. Later, Lara tackles buzzwords like "narcissist" and "gaslighting", warning that careless labels can inflame conflict and derail genuine repair. Her illustrated "lie ladder" reframes dishonesty as a spectrum, making it easier to talk about deception without dropping nuclear terms.

If you're tired of chaos but scared of what calm might reveal, what small act of self-care could you try today, just for you?