Our Inner Civil WarOur Inner Civil War
Emotional Sobriety: The Next Step in Recovery
If you’re disturbed about something, we encourage investigating what’s beneath that disturbance. This episode we explore the psychological mechanism called projection, and what it can teach us about ourselves as we try to live our lives more meaningfully and effectively. Follow us on social media. Podcast Twitter: @EmSobrietyPod Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs Email Thom: thomrutledgeauthor@gmail.com Email Allen: abphd@msn.com Allen’s first book, Love Secrets Revealed: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Secrets-Revealed-Intimacy-Connection/dp/0757303978/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=love+secrets+revealed+allen+berger&qid=1650843975&sprefix=love+secrets+reve%2Caps%2C165&sr=8-1 Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/ Thom's book, Embracing Fear: https://www.amazon.com/Embracing-Fear-Turn-Scares-Greatest/dp/0062517759/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below): https://zoom.us/j/330149513 Password: 375986 For our ongoing video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519 We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings. We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments.
42:58•5 Dec 2022
Our Inner Civil War: Projection, Holidays and Emotional Sobriety
Episode Overview
- Holiday gatherings can be used as "therapy field work" to notice old family patterns and practise emotional sobriety.
- Projection often means we are reacting to parts of ourselves we have not accepted, rather than to others’ behaviour alone.
- When someone’s criticism outrages you, pause to ask what it means to you and whether you’re dependent on their approval.
- Journaling and slowing things down help shift into an observer role, reducing reactivity and making space for a wiser inner voice.
- Progress, not perfection, is key; appreciating small daily wins can soften harsh self-expectations in recovery.
“If somebody is saying something to you about who you are that you're outraged about, stop for a minute. Gotta ask yourself, what does it mean to you?”
Curious about how others navigate their sobriety journey? This conversation with psychotherapists and authors Thom Rutledge and Dr Allen Berger, joined by Patrick, leans into what they call our "inner civil war" – the clash between different parts of ourselves that shows up especially around the holidays. Set against Christmas trees, cats attacking decorations, and kids opening ornament boxes, the trio keep things light while getting very real about emotional sobriety.
They talk about how the holidays can be "therapy field work" and how recovery changes the old pattern of using alcohol or other addictions to cope with festive stress. Thom reflects on the relief of simply knowing, "I don't drink. I don't use." The core focus is projection – the psychological habit of handing our unwanted qualities to other people.
Allen explains Fritz Perls' idea that, instead of repression, projection might be our go-to defence: "We take what's going on with us that we haven't come to grips with, and we give it to somebody else." They share a powerful story of a grandmother who, thanks to emotional sobriety work, caught herself getting furious at her kids’ parenting, phoned a friend, and realised she was enforcing an "unenforceable rule". The result?
A sense of emotional freedom she’d never felt in decades of recovery. They also look at the flip side: what happens when someone projects onto you and it *fits*. Allen asks, if someone calls you something and you're outraged, "Are you confronting something about yourself that is hard to look at? Or are you so emotionally dependent on their validation" that you spin into crisis?
Journaling, slowing down reactions, practising living in the moment, and lowering perfectionistic expectations all show up as practical tools. This episode speaks directly to people in recovery who feel stuck, self-critical, or triggered by family – and offers a gentle reminder that "everything is information" and progress, not perfection, is the point. What might your own projections be trying to tell you this week?
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