Saying What Matters 1 | When a Father Is Not Fully PresentSaying What Matters 1 | When a Father Is Not Fully Present
The Millennium Counseling Center Podcast
Oren Matteson and Rahsaan Nurullah talk about growing up with a loving but often absent father, and how that shaped beliefs around work, worth and relationships. The conversation focuses on father wounds, codependency and finding self-acceptance without needing parental approval.
23:14•9 Jun 2026
When Dad Isn’t Really There: Father Wounds, Work and Self-Worth
Episode Overview
- A father’s absence, even when loving, can create a core belief that work or achievement matters more than family.
- Early messages about effort and success can quietly shape how someone approaches school, work and self-worth for decades.
- Over-giving and trying to make everyone else okay can be a sign of codependency and a way to chase the love that felt missing in childhood.
- Significant healing can happen within oneself even if a parent never acknowledges or validates the hurt.
- Shifting from blame to curiosity about a parent’s story can reduce negative energy and make room for healthier adult relationships.
“We don’t need anyone else to be any different for us to evolve out of those painful places.”
What can we learn from those who have battled addiction, shame and old family patterns? This conversation between long-time friends and colleagues Oren Matteson and Rahsaan Nurullah zooms in on one central theme: what happens when a father loves his child, yet isn’t fully present. Across an honest, sometimes raw chat, Oren talks about growing up with a high-achieving father whose career at an international law firm often seemed to sit above family on the priority list.
A simple note card from age 13 saying “make the effort” became a lifelong script about work, worth and achievement. Oren shares how that message shaped his early relationship with school, jobs and success, and how it fed into a belief that “work was more important than family.” You’ll hear him trace a clear line from that early “father wound” into adult patterns of codependency and romantic relationships.
He explains how he tried to earn love and stability by over-giving: “If I made everybody else okay, then I would be okay.” When that didn’t work, he swung to the opposite extreme, before eventually finding a healthier middle ground where his own needs, feelings and boundaries mattered too. A key thread for anyone in recovery or self-healing is Oren’s shift from blame to curiosity.
He describes how recovery work helped him speak to his dad as an adult about childhood pain, while recognising that his father had simply repeated what he’d learnt from previous generations.
Crucially, he stresses that “we don’t need anyone else to be any different for us to evolve out of those painful places.” If you’re wrestling with an emotionally distant parent, approval-seeking or people-pleasing around alcohol, work or relationships, this episode offers a relatable, gentle nudge toward asking: whose voice is really driving your life today—and do you still need to listen to it?
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