225 - The Deepest Wounds, the Darkest Shame: Covert Incest, Relapse & Radical Self-Compassion w/ Paul Gilmartin225 - The Deepest Wounds, the Darkest Shame: Covert Incest, Relapse & Radical Self-Compassion w/ Paul Gilmartin
Adult Child
Comedian and podcaster Paul Gilmartin shares a recent pornography relapse, linking it to covert incest and childhood medical trauma, while reflecting on shame, sexuality and recovery. Together with host Andrea Ashley, he talks about radical self-compassion, honest 12-step work and the healing power of being fully seen.
1:26:26•8 Apr 2026
Shame, AI Porn and Radical Self-Compassion with Paul Gilmartin
Episode Overview
- Relapse is presented as a common part of addiction recovery, and shame only keeps people stuck and afraid to reach out.
- Childhood sexual abuse and covert incest can wire arousal around medical care, nurturing figures and taboo scenarios, which can feel deeply shaming but are understandable responses to trauma.
- Naming harsh self-talk as an ‘inner abuser’ helps shift from self-hatred to curiosity and compassion for coping mechanisms.
- Radical honesty in 12-step communities and close relationships can turn the most shame-filled experiences into sources of connection and relief.
- Sharing sexual fantasies and history with a non-judgemental partner can become a powerful corrective emotional experience, rather than something to hide.
“You can’t save your ass and your face at the same time.”
How do people find hope in the darkest times? This conversation between host Andrea Ashley and returning guest Paul Gilmartin pulls no punches as it heads straight into the messy reality of relapse, covert incest, and learning to treat yourself with kindness instead of contempt.
Paul, host of *Mental Illness Happy Hour*, shares, in his words, “the most powerful drug” he has ever known: a 10‑day relapse on highly customised AI pornography that left him cancelling plans, skipping meetings and fantasising about giving his whole life over to it. He talks through the terrifying pull of that “womb‑like” escape, the suicidal thoughts that lurked at the edges, and the moment he decided he wasn’t willing to lose everything.
From there, you’ll hear how early medical trauma, covert incest and a mother who “drank him in with her eyes” shaped Paul’s sexuality and fantasies in ways he long believed made him “dirty” and “creepy”. He explains how hearing other survivors’ specifics eased his isolation, and why he now shares his own: so others can feel less alone too.
Andrea brings her own shame stories about procrastination, money and feeling “too broken” to fulfil her potential, and together they pick apart harsh inner narratives. The idea that adult children don’t just develop an inner critic, but an “inner abuser”, really lands here. There’s also a hopeful thread: Paul’s experience of radical acceptance in 12‑step rooms, a sponsor who says “I love you unconditionally”, and a partner who can hear his most uncomfortable fantasies without flinching.
As Paul puts it, “Nobody has ever shamed themselves into being the person they want to be.” If you’ve ever relapsed, felt haunted by intrusive sexual thoughts, or believed you were too damaged to be loved, this conversation might challenge that story in the best possible way. What if the parts you hide are exactly the parts that most need to be seen?
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