230 - The Shame Triangle: The Inner Way That's Keeping You Stuck w/ Jessica Fern & David Cooley230 - The Shame Triangle: The Inner Way That's Keeping You Stuck w/ Jessica Fern & David Cooley
Adult Child
A candid conversation with Jessica Fern and David Cooley about the "shame triangle" of inner critic, shame and escaper, linking it to trauma, addiction, parenting and attachment. Andrea weaves in her own experiences while they discuss parts work, self and how to shift towards inner coaching and nurturing.
1:14:36•13 May 2026
Stuck in Your Head? Breaking Free from the Shame Triangle with Jessica Fern & David Cooley
Episode Overview
- The "shame triangle" maps an inner cycle between the critic, shame and escaper, showing how they fuel each other rather than acting as separate problems.
- Escaper parts can look like both over-functioning (achieving, pleasing, perfecting) and under-functioning (shutting down, zoning out, substance use), all in service of avoiding pain.
- Parts work and IFS help distinguish self from parts, giving people a way to notice nervous system cues, hear inner voices and respond without moralising their strategies.
- Parenting, chronic illness, relationships and masculinity are described as common arenas where shame triangle dynamics become especially intense and visible.
- Healing involves transforming the inner critic into an inner coach and escapers into inner nurturers, including processes where parts recognise their impact and renegotiate their roles.
“The voice that's beating you up, the shame that's absorbing every word of it, and the part of you that doesn't want to hear or feel any of it.”
How do people find strength in their journey to sobriety and healing when their own mind feels like the enemy? This conversation drops you right into that question as Andrea chats with psychotherapist Jessica Fern and restorative justice facilitator David Cooley about what they call the "shame triangle". Instead of focusing only on outer drama, they turn Karpman's drama triangle inward.
Here, the persecutor becomes the inner critic – "the voice that's beating you up" – shame is "the part of you that hears the inner critic and absorbs every word that it says as fundamental truths," and the escaper is the part that tries to drown it all out with over-functioning, under-functioning, or good old-fashioned numbing.
You'll hear Andrea's brutally honest example of getting stuck in a phone-scrolling loop, plus how this same triangle shows up in addiction, codependency, CPTSD and everyday behaviours that look "productive" but are actually fuelled by panic and self-loathing. Jessica and David share their own histories – from teenage therapy and chronic illness to breakups, divorce and co-parenting – showing how old attachment wounds can hijack adult relationships and parenting.
Parts work and IFS run through the whole chat, with both guests explaining how they sense their parts, what self (with a capital S) feels like, and why dissociative, zoning-out parts can be the hardest to catch. They also talk about transforming the shame triangle into a "self-love triangle": turning the inner critic into an inner coach and the escaper into an inner nurturer who actually cares for the nervous system instead of hammering it.
If you've ever wondered why you keep swinging between self-attack, collapse and escape – whether through drinking, overworking or disappearing into screens – this conversation offers language, structure and plenty of real-life stories to help you spot your own triangle and start shifting it. Where might your inner critic, shame and escaper be running the show?
Do you want to link to this podcast?
Get the buttons here!
More From This Show
The latest episodes from the same podcast.
Related Episodes
Similar episodes from other shows in the catalogue.