229 - The Codependency Bottom: When Sobriety Cracks Open the Trauma Underneath w/ David Deane Haskel229 - The Codependency Bottom: When Sobriety Cracks Open the Trauma Underneath w/ David Deane Haskel
Adult Child
Author David Deane Haskell talks with Andrea about losing his mum to suicide, addiction, and why his deepest crash came from a codependent relationship rather than alcohol. Their conversation touches on complex trauma, 12-step recovery, somatic work and slowly rebuilding family connections after years of chaos.
1:22:48•6 May 2026
When Sobriety Isn’t the Bottom: David Deane Haskell on Codependency, Trauma and Loss
Episode Overview
- A relationship bottom rooted in codependency and abandonment can feel as intense, or more intense, than a substance bottom because the same brain reward pathways are involved.
- Early losses, secrecy, and scapegoating in childhood can fuel lifelong shame, self-blame, and difficulty with friendships and authority figures.
- Traditional 12-step advice alone may backfire for “double winners”; codependents often need different guidance and additional programmes like CoDA.
- Healing required David to confront toxic positivity, set hard boundaries, and even go no contact with people who refused any accountability.
- Repairing the bond with his daughter became a core motivation in recovery, showing that consistent sobriety and emotional honesty can slowly rebuild trust.
“Advice that will save an alcoholic will kill a codependent.”
Curious about how others manage the crash that comes *after* getting sober? This conversation with author David Deane Haskell is all about what happens when the bottle goes away but the childhood wounds finally show up. Andrea keeps things funny, sweary and very real as she talks with David about growing up in a highly dysfunctional family, losing his mum to suicide at four, and then finding out the truth at nine in a way that felt like a punishment.
He shares how that early loss spiralled into bullying, being scapegoated at home, suicide attempts, dropping out of school, and later using alcohol to numb feelings he couldn’t even name. Sobriety didn’t magically fix everything. David explains how getting clean in Japan was just the first layer. The real “bottom” came later, through a codependent attachment to a spiritually-inflated mentor who discarded him when he finally challenged toxic positivity.
As he says, that codependency crash was “even harder… certainly more emotionally painful” than his substance bottom. Andrea ties this to her own experience of a “codependency bottom” and breaks down the brain science: the same reward circuitry that lights up for cocaine lights up in chaotic, intermittent, caretaking relationships, which is why walking away can feel like actual withdrawal.
You’ll hear about inner child work, CoDA, AA, grief after the death of a parent, and the messy, slow repair of David’s relationship with his daughter after years of alcoholism. Both he and Andrea talk honestly about somatic healing, shame, suicidal thinking, and what recovery looks like when meetings, God, and community are all part of the toolkit.
If you’ve ever wondered why a breakup or friendship rupture hurt more than your last drink, this one might put words to pain you’ve never quite been able to explain. Where might your own “bottom” really be hiding?
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