Shitshow Saturday #206 - Impossible Self-ExpectationsShitshow Saturday #206 - Impossible Self-Expectations
Adult Child
A group of adult children of dysfunction talk about the impossible standards they still hold themselves to and how those rules began in childhood roles and family chaos. Through stories, humour and honesty, they reflect on softening perfectionism, allowing needs and slowly building more compassionate expectations of themselves.
27:46•23 May 2026
Impossible Self-Expectations and Growing Up in a Shitshow
Episode Overview
- Self-expectations formed in dysfunctional families often feel like personality traits rather than inherited rules that can be questioned.
- Many adult children expect themselves to have no needs, which blocks asking for help and breeds resentment when others “don’t notice” their struggle.
- Healthy self-expectations include compassion, clear limits and the ability to fall short without total collapse or self-annihilation.
- Fear of abandonment and conditional love can drive perfectionism and a belief that messing up means losing relationships.
- Learning to allow feelings to run their course and practising small acts of self-compassion can slowly soften lifelong inner criticism.
“"Who I inherently am is enough."”
What are the common struggles and victories in addiction recovery? This Shitshow Saturday gathering from Adult Child zooms in on the quiet, brutal ways impossible self-expectations shape life after growing up in a dysfunctional family. Andrea Ashley sets the tone with a candid confession about feeling she has to say something "really profound" at every group session or risk being abandoned.
It’s funny, raw and painfully relatable, especially when she reminds herself, "who I inherently am is enough" – and still feels the tug of perfectionism. From there, group members share how childhood roles still script their adult lives. One person talks about being the fixer in a chaotic home and now struggling to believe anyone will stay if they have needs.
Another describes the inner rule of "don’t need anything and don’t need anyone", shaped by a mother whose main demand was "don’t embarrass me", leading to constant self-monitoring and shame. You’ll hear about five key areas where self-expectations run wild: who you are, what you do, what you feel, how you show up, and what you’re allowed to need.
A powerful thread runs through the conversation: feelings that were once punished or ignored now push to be heard, yet many still try to out-think them instead of letting them run their course. The group also looks at expectations that keep them small – like believing they must struggle to stay connected to family, or that messing up means love disappears. There’s humour (car accident stories and “car trauma” jokes) alongside grief, anger and gradual self-compassion.
If you grew up in chaos and carry a constant sense of "I should be doing more" or "I shouldn’t feel this", this episode might feel uncomfortably familiar – and strangely comforting. What impossible standards are you still holding yourself to, and what would it be like to soften them just a little?
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