Ep 221: You Know They Were Toxic, So Why Do You Still Care?

Ep 221: You Know They Were Toxic, So Why Do You Still Care?

Curious about how others handle still caring for someone who treated them badly? This episode of The Emotional Abuse Recovery Podcast heads straight into that confusing space where your head knows they were toxic, but your heart hasn’t caught up yet. Host and subconscious reprogramming expert Allison K. Dagney draws on her own 20-year experience of emotional abuse to talk about why it’s completely normal to still care about an ex, a parent, or a friend who hurt you.

She makes it very clear that, as she puts it, "Feelings aren't evidence. Feelings are just feelings." Caring, she explains, doesn’t mean they were right for you, doesn’t mean you should go back, and doesn’t mean you’re weak or failing at healing. You’ll hear Allison break down how thoughts create feelings, which then drive actions – like reaching out, checking on them, or fantasising about reconciliation.

She talks through trauma attachments (often called trauma bonds), the role of intermittent "good times" in keeping you hooked, and why your nervous system often confuses "familiar" with "healthy". There’s also a powerful section on identity: who you had to become to survive the relationship, and how part of what you’re grieving might be that old version of yourself. Rather than telling anyone what to feel, Allison keeps asking one key question: what does caring mean to you?

If you’ve linked caring with "I should stay", "I should forgive", or "I must not be healed", she gently challenges those meanings and offers alternatives that put your wellbeing first. This is a reassuring listen for anyone berating themselves for still missing someone who was clearly bad news.

It’s especially suited to women recovering from emotional or narcissistic abuse who want to understand their own brain and body better, and start caring more about their own peace than their past partner. So, what meaning are you going to give your feelings now?