Ep348 – Ask Lara for Her BEST Relationship AdviceEp348 – Ask Lara for Her BEST Relationship Advice
Untoxicated Podcast
Therapist Lara Hammock joins Matt and Sheri Salis to unpack what real support in sobriety looks like, how gaslighting and secrecy show up, and why over-functioning partners struggle to step back. With humour and clear visuals, they share practical tools for rebuilding trust, sharing responsibilities and arguing more safely in recovery-focused relationships.
1:32:37•18 May 2026
Ask Lara: Relationship Reset for Sobriety, Support and Staying Sane
Episode Overview
- "Support" in early sobriety needs clear definition; encouragement and limited practical help are reasonable, but partners are not responsible for regulating someone else’s emotions.
- Both people in a relationship have to "vote yes", and a detached or traumatised partner is not obligated to be an active part of the solution.
- Gaslighting and lying often grow out of self-deception and secrecy, creating a "shame–relief spiral" where problems cannot be addressed openly.
- What looks like over-functioning during active addiction is usually a partner filling gaps to keep life running; after sobriety, trust must be rebuilt gradually as responsibilities are shared back out.
- Using "team timeouts" when emotions hit mid-range or higher, and treating serious talks as "pitching practice" with one person speaking and the other only listening, can prevent conflicts from spiralling.
“"The thing is about relationships, you gotta, both people have to vote yes."”
How do people cope with the challenges of staying sober? This episode of the Untoxicated Podcast leans straight into the messy overlap of alcohol, recovery and relationships, with a big scoop of humour on top. Hosts Matt and Sheri Salis welcome back mental health therapist and YouTube creator Lara (Laura) Hammock for their quarterly "Ask Lara" segment.
Between joking about Matt’s dream "rolling birthday ice cream extravaganza" and Lara’s childhood stories of homemade chicken-plucking machines, the trio talk through some heavy relationship dynamics in a way that feels disarming and very human. Lara starts by untangling what "support" from a partner actually means in early sobriety. She points out that the word is so vague it can cover anything from gentle encouragement to doing someone’s recovery work for them.
Her take is clear: "I don’t think there’s much in there that is necessarily the responsibility of the partner… both people have to vote yes." That simple line becomes a recurring anchor for anyone stuck wondering how much they "owe" to a newly sober spouse. The conversation then moves into gaslighting, lying and why most partners aren’t actually living with "evil geniuses" but with people who have learned to lie to themselves first.
Lara explains how secrecy and shame create a "shame–relief spiral" where nothing can heal because everything stays hidden. For over-functioning partners who picked up all the slack during active addiction, Lara refuses to label their efforts as a flaw; they were "filling in the gaps" to keep life running. But when sobriety arrives, she talks about how trust needs to be rebuilt slowly, with clear communication about chores, expectations and emotional load.
She wraps with two practical tools: "team timeouts" when emotions run hot, and "pitching practice"—a visual way to help couples take turns speaking and listening without turning every talk into a verbal pile-up. Anyone juggling sobriety, resentment, and the daily grind of partnership will find plenty to chew on here—maybe with an imaginary ice cream cone in hand. Where might you need a timeout, or to hand a few of those "household balls" back?
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